Why Indifferent People Get Everything And Desperate People Get Nothing
Here’s an short tale for you called “Two Bulls on a Hill”:
Two bulls are standing at the top of a hill overlooking a pasture. One is an old-timer and the other is young.
In the pasture are dozens of attractive cows, milling about and eating the tender grass beneath their hooves.
The young bull says to the old bull, "Let's charge down the hill and fuck us a cow!!"
The old bull calmly looks at the young one and replies, "Why don't we saunter down the hill, open the gate, take a sip at the water trough, and then fuck them ALL.”
This IS actually how it works.
The longer I spend on this planet, the more clearly I see a strange phenomenon: you get what you want only once you are no longer needy for it.
… At which point it pours in, plentifully.
But before this point? When you absolutely CRAVE something? When you just NEED it? Good luck. Life will hold out on you.
The Needy Go Wanting
This is true with relationships: That girl who you obsess over and pray for a date with, you can’t get (that only happens in the movies). Your neediness repels her. It’s only when you reach the point where you could take her or leave her that you finally stand a chance.
It’s also true with money: in your most desperate hour money couldn’t be further away. But then, years later when things are going good the money pours in. (Banks after-all do love lending to people with money).
It also applies to jobs: The more you NEED that job the more likely it goes to someone else. On the flip-side, for that job you don’t give a shit whether you get it or not they won’t stop calling.
That’s the way it goes.
This phenomenon applies to jobs, opportunities and new friends. It applies to work, luck and health. The more we clench our fists and ATTACH to something unfolding in a certain way, is precisely when it doesn’t.
When You Think About it, it’s REALLY a Crying Shame…
I actually don’t know how this phenomenon works. Of course it’s partly human nature, where we are instinctively attracted to people with resources. But then again, maybe the Law of Attraction crowd have got it right and it’s some universal law where abundance attracts more abundance. Scarcity attracts more scarcity.
Either way it’s a crying shame: that moment we most desperately want something is when it is most deprived from us. Like some sick joke played by our Creator…
Only when we lose that intense desperation and stop caring so much is when it pours in in spades. You don’t get the dream girl by craving her even more - she arrives after you transcend your need for her.
On one level it seems so unfair. But is something we all have to accept.
Maturity Through Transcendence
I remember learning this lesson around 20. I was in a transition period from immaturity to maturity around women and dating, and recall this odd feeling of immature neediness towards a girl who hadn’t worked out.
There was a kind of romanticized, victim-like enjoyment I got around wanting what I couldn’t have, yet it was absolutely childish at the same time.
I remember having to let it go in order to mature. Couldn’t have both.
Maturity means letting that desperate, needy part of yourself die.
How to Get What You Want
In order to get something you want, you need to evolve up to the same level as it. The sad reality is that unfortunately once you grow up to that place, it is no longer as “special” as it was from your previous point of view from below.
You’ve probably experienced this several times before.
That perfect dream girl is so damn attractive precisely because she’s out of your league. But then you grow and develop yourself to the point where you are now in that league, and suddenly she’s no longer quite the same goddess bathed in streaming golden light.
Dream jobs become mundane jobs after a couple years.
A high income lifestyle just becomes normal and expected.
That amazing relationship that had tons of growth in the beginning, now starts to drag you down.
If you let it go, it returns to you.
Your younger self would have KILLED for what you have now. But you couldn’t have attracted it from that place. And now that you’re here? Not a big deal.
This is life. Accepting this is maturity.
And Hey, Sometimes You Do Get That Rare “Movie Moment”
I know what you’re thinking: “How depressing!” Perhaps your mind goes to countless examples of people who’s most desperate thirst WAS quenched. They were in a terrible financial spot and that donation DID come to the rescue at just the right moment.
Or the time that thirsty guy DID get a kiss.
This is what movies are all about. And yes, sometimes that moment DOES magically come, and my God it’s glorious. Fireworks. Our deepest desire gets the ultimate satisfaction.
But unfortunately it is rare - and it’s almost never sustainable:
Six months later the financial situation has returned.
The dream girl stops calling you.
Yeah, you somehow get hired at that dream job, but then don’t make it past that tricky 3-month probation period.
Enjoy it if it comes (it is a true gem that you’ll always remember). But don’t rely on it.
Neediness is Ego
It can feel UNFAIR that the very nature of our neediness practically ensures we won’t get it - a “crying shame” as I put it - but in the big picture it’s for the best. Why? Because NEED isn’t the same as NEEDY. Need is a true need while neediness is unhealthy attachment. It’s ego and childish. Immaturity playing out on your mental landscape. Desperation isn’t rooted in reality but a fantasy that we conjure up.
So ultimately, not getting what you want when you want it is a gift. It’s like a parent saying “no” to their kid who wants candy for dinner. We might cry in the moment, but long-term it’s better for our well-being.
Satisfaction from Real Growth
Yes, maturity requires your neediness to die. Yes, we lose that painful yet romantic “Romeo and Juliet” lens of our world. No real men have it. But the upside? You get true satisfaction with both feet firmly planted in the ground.
Plus you get everything in abundance - even the things you don’t really even want.